


TJ Hammond - Finding God

by dollzteeth



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Political Animals
Genre: M/M, Marvel - Freeform, PoliticalAnimals, Thomas "T. J." Hammond - Freeform, mcu - Freeform, steverogers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:48:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25681552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dollzteeth/pseuds/dollzteeth
Summary: Political animals - MCU cross overIf you shake hands with a politician you had better count your fingers after you do it(Please take care of trigger warnings in the notes of each chapter before reading. All issues discussed are researched/ spoken of as respectfully as possible. Please give notes on any inconsistencies or misinformation to keep issues in this story as accurately portrayed as possible. The goal of this story is to make people who are struggling feel seen.)
Relationships: Thomas "T. J." Hammond/Steve Rogers
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	TJ Hammond - Finding God

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for substance abuse (mentions of c*c**ne use and addiction), internalised homophobia, coarse language, sexual themes

TJ Hammond found god in his first line of cocaine. She looked like the kaleidoscope colours swirling through his veins. The colours of the music flowing from his fingers as they dance across his piano keys. She gave him the confidence and charisma that he didn't really have.

TJ knew that many of America's congressmen were closeted. He saw the same shame and disgust reflected in his own eyes more times than he could count. So, for TJ, coming out of the closet was like being forced onto a roller coaster a with collapsed framework. Kicking and screaming. TJ was struggling. Everyday he came closer to deciding he wanted off of the ride. Maybe he would do it right this time. 

He had been under public scrutiny since birth. The media was gasoline on a naked flame for TJ. Fuelling his addiction. One more comment. One more death threat broke his knees and had him crawling back to blow multiple times a day, because God knows he can't take that shit sober anymore. Hands trembling over white powder in a restaurant bathroom trying desperately to stave off the end of a high.

When he comes down his hands are shaking and God is dead. 

TJ gripped the edge of the sink hard enough to bruise until the pulsing lights faded from the edges of his vision. He breathed slowly and deliberately through his nose as his heart settled back into a steady rhythm. The man that stared back at him was gaunt. His pale skin glistened with sweat and his cheeks were hollow. As he looked into the mirror a stranger looked back. This person seemed almost foreign. It wasn't him. He could feel the anxiety building, the feeling of something large trying to claw its way out of his stomach. 

He slowly drew in breath - one, two, three, four, five, six, seven - held for four counts and out again for seven. 

"TJ?" 

Dougie always gleamed bright white. Always. TJ's surface was blackened with tar. Cocaine painted over it with a shine he never truly wore. But the paint cracked and flaked away. For tonight it was enough to pretend.

TJ turned to look at his brother, raising an eyebrow. "Yeah, Dougie?" 

Douglas hesitated. His mouth opened and his eyes traveled to TJ's hands and then to his face. Dougie searched TJ's eyes before speaking. Closing his mouth and quickly opening it again, "Come on, they'll start to miss you out there." He flashed a grin, smothering the worry etched into his features.

When TJ is high it's like the world is fuzzy around the edges and it no longer hurts to breathe. He was safe there, nothing and no one could touch him. When he was high, TJ was invincible. He could destroy the world. Set it alight just to watch it burn and he laughed in the faces of the reporters who tried to slight him. 

He smiled and clapped his brother on the shoulders "Come on, little bro." 

"Three minutes. Three god damned minutes." 

"You know, when I was your age, I was going for a piss." 

"Shut up, TJ."

TJ snickered as they stepped out into the swing of things. 

The East Room held beautiful rugs and golden curtains draped in such a way so as to remind him of the peplos of a greek goddess. Vendors and senators parade in suits, tuxedos and gowns, networking, forming alliances, trading favours. They all knew that these events weren't really about the charity. 

Elegant chandeliers with the glitter of delicate crystal hung above a Steinway Grand piano. During these nights, this is where TJ learned to hide in plane sight. He made a beeline for the piano with Douglas at his side. 

No one disturbed him. To them he was nothing but the background noise to their polite dog fights as they lied through their teeth, smiling. His fingers flew over the keys and _prélude in E minor_ sang throughout the ball room. 

TJ relaxed into the music. He felt it humming through him like a live wire. TJ was alive. He pushed away images of himself, sitting at this very piano at eight years old as he performed his favourite sonatas. Living for the harmonies that flew from his fingertips.

Refocusing, TJ became vaguely aware of his brother making conversation near his shoulder. 

"Yes, I guess we were lucky in a way. I miss my father,' Douglas placed his glass down softly upon the spindly table as he spoke. 'and there are moments when I'll turn to say something to him and he's not there. But we've still got mom." 

"I feel the same way about a good friend of mine, he was there for me when I needed him. He always knew what to say." 

Douglas' eyebrows knit together, gaze softening "I'm sorry." he replied sincerely. 

The crowd politely cut their conversations short as Elaine Barrish made her way to the podium. "I would like to start off by thanking you all for being here tonight." His mother's voice was strong as she spoke into the microphone, almost as if she had something to prove. 

In her mind, when she was vulnerable, Elaine would always be some form of the wife in a Hammond sized shadow. Stifling the light of the ball crushing politician she was today. TJ wasn't the only one pretending tonight.

"We have lost much. Our brothers, sisters, our mothers, and our fathers. Tonight we come together, not only to remember those vanished but to raise funds for those in need.-" 

_-_

_TJ's head thumped and bile rose to his mouth. It had been a long night, full of vibrating bass and flashing lights. Rough sex and sloppy head that he could barely remember. He felt the ache behind his eyes as he slid into an Uber._

_TJ ran a hand down his face and rubbed his eyes in an attempt to sooth the pain. He hissed, teeth clenching as the tyres jumped over a pothole. Feeling the car slow TJ raised his head to shoot a quizzical look at the driver but his_ _seat was empty._

 _His mind froze. TJ gripped the headrest of the diver's seat as he lurched forward to stare in confusion and horror at the empty space. He sat, horrified for a second, where had he gone? TJ felt sluggish, his perception slow._ _He didn't understand._

 _TJ squeezed his eyes shut, taking a deep breath. Pushing his palms into his eyes, he whispered to himself._ "This isn't happening. I'm out of my mind. It's not real." _TJ flew forward into the dash as the bumper met a median. Pain blossomed across his left eyebrow and his skin began to crawl with anxiety._ _He didn't understand._

 _Scrambling out of the car, his eyes widened at the chaos around him. TJ_ _felt_ something _eating away at his lungs. His breaths came faster as if trying to get as many in as possible before they disappeared._ _As he watched, a man fell to his knees crumbling into dust and ash before his body hit the asphalt. TJ blinked, backing away quickly, his feet stumbling over each other in an attempt to escape. He didn't understand._

_-_

Concluding her speech, Elaine made her way over to her sons. She wound through congressmen and reporters alike. Smiling politely at acting president Fred Collier as she passed, knowing full well that they detested each other's guts to the very core. Elaine hadn't a shred of respect for that parasite who calls himself man. Fred Collier had been itching for President Garcetti's throne, planning on being sworn into office mere hours after the vanishing. They hadn't even confirmed a body within the wreckage of the VC-137C.

"Captain Rogers, I'm glad that you were able to make it." Elaine gripped his hand firmly as she shook it _. If you shake hands with a politician you had better count your fingers after you_ _do it._ The wry thought went through TJ's mind as he really looked at the stranger for the first time. He could feel the man's eyes on him.

He had no idea who this person was but from the almost unnoticeable awe creeping into his mother's voice he guessed that he probably should. 

Captain Rogers stood with the kind of stance reserved for military personnel. Shoulders broad but tightly knit, as if he would rather be anywhere other than standing in the East room, surrounded by politicians. TJ smiled to himself, quietly agreeing that he too, would like the floor to swallow him whole. 

He kept his mouth tight shut in the presence of political figures. Watching. Observing. Secrets were spilled unknowingly with the primal urge to fill silence. He would listen and he would learn. Feeling some sort of power over knowing things he shouldn't. 

There was a stark difference in his expression that set Captain Rogers apart from the other vets in the room. The openness of it startled TJ, and he found himself mesmerised by the earnestness in his eyes. TJ felt that he should know Captain Rogers from somewhere but couldn't quite place him. He felt that way about a lot of people in DC. Everyone in this city seems to think you should know who they are. Maybe they fooled around once? The man was gorgeous, TJ thought for sure he would remember _that._

"It's an honour, Madam Secretary. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and ex husband." His voice was sincere, there was no malice or sense of entitlement, just an honest sadness. 

"Thank you, I greatly appreciate that," nodding solemnly, Elaine replied "we've all lost so much, I'm sure you have lost people you love." She eloquently redirected the conversation away from herself, and her own pain. Never to admit the ache of her loss within the earshot of her rivals, or of reporters and in turn the country at large. She could just see it now 'Elaine Barrish Still In Love With Ex Husband Despite It All' across every headline by morning. 

"Yes ma'am, I was just telling your son about one of my best friends. When I went to war I knew that nothing would be the same when I came home, but I suppose I just had no idea. He was there for me through it all." 

Anne approached them then, having finally escaped her conversation with another designer. It was obvious that he had no interest in her talent in interior design. He only wanted to speak with a Hammond. Perhaps that would make him feel more important.

"Anne, this is Captain Rogers. Captain, this is my beautiful wife Anne." 

Anne's eyes widened for the briefest moment before she regained her composure, "It's an honour, Captain." She pulled her arm out from around Douglas to shake his hand.

"And this is my brother, TJ." Captain Rogers looked TJ in the eyes for the first time as Dougie spoke. He could see pain flash across them for a moment before they cleared and the anguish was replaced with a warm smile. It was the kind of anguish that came with loss. As if a part of his soul had been ripped away. It was there for a moment and then it was gone. TJ thought that he might have imagined it. Dougie was that for TJ. His other half. He never wanted to feel a pain like that. If he lost Dougie he wouldn't survive. 

The stiff formalities of their conversation were making TJ start to fidget. Watching his company walk on eggshells around each other reminded him of a tight exoskeleton that he needed to shake loose. He was taught to use these formalities as a child. He learned from the best. All that came out of his family's mouths were what his mother liked to call 'airs and graces'. He needed some air.

TJ smiled at Captain Rogers, nodding politely as he stood to leave.

"You are coming home with us aren't you, love?" His mother never called him that without company. Being so forward wasn't her natural love language. Not after their father. Presenting a united front. That's what she called it.

"No, Ma. I'll just catch an uber or something."

"An uber? From an event like this?' Elaine's eyebrows knit together in concern, the paranoid part of TJ thought he could see judgement there. She knew what he wanted. Where he was going. 'No. I'll call your detail."

Rolling his eyes TJ turned to his mother, "Ma, no ones' gonna assassinate me. What good would that do anyone? Y'all are the career politicians. Keep 'em for yourself, you'll need them more than I do."

"Famous last words." Douglas quipped, smothering a smile under his mother's stern glare.

"Can you imagine," TJ grinned, turning to Elaine he tried to smooth the lines between her eyes. "I'm not leaving just yet anyway. Just getting a little fresh air"

The lights were too bright, dancing in his vision. 

"Call me in the morning."

"Yes, Mommy dearest."

Elaine whacked TJ lightly on the chest, giving him a stern glare of his own, "Call." 

"Ahh! abuse!" Holding his chest dramatically TJ pointed an accusatory finger at his mother.

"Go, just go." She laughed, waving him off. TJ didn't need to be told twice. 

_-_

"Fresh air?"

TJ laughed, recognising the voice. His laugh had the deeper quality of someone speaking on a drag. A cigarette hung between his fingers, the culprit. TJ held it out to Rogers, a wry smile playing at his lips.

Shaking his head at the offer, Captain Rogers stuffed his hands easily into his pockets "Haven't smoked in years." 

"You just can't keep away, huh?" There it was. The loss and anguish flashing across his features. TJ wondered what he was thinking. Who had spoken those words to him before?

"I guess not." He shook his head, a blush creeping up his neck. Maybe TJ was imagining it. Probably. 

A quiet serenity brought by the high privacy fence calmed TJ, the cool night breeze smoothed his taut muscles, relaxing his shoulders 

"Ya know what I've been thinking about?" 

"No, What's that?

"Cookie Monster." TJ replied simply.

An amused grin spread across the Captain's face. "Oh yeah? What about him?"

"His eyes are forward facing, mounted high on his head, right? TJ replied, gesturing seriously to his eyes.

"Um, yeah?"

"Therefore,' he said, voice dripping with conspiracy. 'The Cookie Monster is a submerged, ambush predator."

Rogers shook his head, smiling to himself. "Oh Lord, I bet you're one of those people that think the moon landing was fake."

TJ quirked an eyebrow "You believe in the moon?" 

"Excuse me? What the fuck was that?"

"Tones?" TJ said, beaming. "Long see, no time.' He paused, 'Wait, no- fuck."

"I heard you talking shit about science and came to kill you." replied Tony, wheezing at TJ's mistake.

"Oh yeah, you're like _'Oh TJ, it's been so long. How have you been? Come take a walk with me.'_ and I say _'OK!'_ and then you take me out back." TJ joked, lightly.

" _'Get on your knees, baby'._ "

" _'But Tony,''_ " said TJ, hand over heart in mock surprise. " _'You haven't even taken me out to dinner yet.'_."

"Then there's just a gunshot and then silence." Tony snorted, shaking with mirth. 

Laughing, TJ looked up to see his brother step out into the severe outdoor lighting, waving him over. TJ considered hiding within the soft shade for awhile longer but thought better on it. "Ah, shit, I'm being summoned." He said, flashing a signature grin "It was nice seeing you again Tony." He nodded politely at Rogers, holding out a hand. "And a pleasure to meet you, Captain." 

Gripping TJ's hand, Rogers shook his head a little, "Please, just call me Steve." 

TJ's hand tingled from the contact. Fuck. He would climb this man like a tree if he could. "Sure thing, Stevie." He smiled, feeling Steve's eyes follow as he walked away. 

The way his suit clung to Steve's shoulders gripped TJ's imagination. He fantasized about how it would feel to dig his nails in deep.

His driver was waiting for him after saying goodnight to his brother and promising yet again to call in the morning. His detail chauffeured him home at his mother's request. Getting her way as always. Disregarding TJ's wishes and calling them anyway.

It wasn't until TJ was in the black SUV, rolling Steve's name over in his mind, seeing how it would feel tumbling from his lips in a rushed and heated moment, that it clicked. 

_Steve._ Captain Steve Rogers. Captain Mother Fucking America.

**Author's Note:**

> (*o,a,i)


End file.
